We were going to India on vacation and I must have been around 10 or 11 years old. We used to live in Dubai at that time and would come home to India on vacation every couple of years or so. My uncle – my mother’s youngest brother – Mattimman, had married a few months before. We had not been able to attend the marriage, and the new young couple had come to the airport to greet us on arrival. That’s my first memory of my aunt, Savithri Ammayi. The image in my mind, in her very early 20’s, very young and pretty, shy and demure – standing close to Mattiman with a shy smile as she tightly clutched a small ladies umbrella. I remember fussing that I wanted to sit in the front of the Ambassador car with my pretty new Ammayi…I don’t remember if I was allowed to or not.
Those days in Kottakkal were filled with fun times. There would be long walks to the top of a nearby hill – called Anoli Kunnu. Mattimman, Ammayi, my sister – Oppol and me. Oppol being 6 years older than me – was a lot closer to Ammayi. I was the incessant chatterbox – I bet I must have gotten on her nerves every now and then. But sweet natured that she was – she never showed it. I remember accompanying her and Mattimman on a visit to her family house. I got along great with her mother and brother.
The years passed – 9th and 10th grade, I was sent to India from Dubai and enrolled in a hostel near Calicut. Mattimman and Ammayi took on the mantle of my local guardians. After a month or so at the hostel – I would get a couple of days break every now and then and I would make a beeline for Kottakkal. Those days were great – Mattimman and Ammayi would make sure that I felt special – there would be something really nice on the menu. I would play with my young cousin – Aravind. Even younger – was the incorrigible brat – my cousin sister Gouri - she was just a toddler. The tyrant, she would yell at the top of her voice to get whatever she wanted – poor Ammayi would complain and acquiesce. (The same Gouri today has grown to a pretty young lady and is an absolute darling - and very quiet)
I remember, spending a month or so there, during my 10th standard board exams study leave. I was studying furiously, and every now and then, Ammayi would help out with a thoughtful cup of coffee or plate of snacks. One day she noticed that I was constantly scratching my head furiously – she took a closer look and saw that my hair was covered with lice – the perils of living in a hostel !!!. In her sweet voice (more about her voice in a second) and typical lack of tact – she said – Ayye – Ee Unnide thalayil narachum peenanallo – penungalude mathiri (this Unni’s hair is full of lice – like a girl’s) but you could not take offence to her. She then proceeded to take a lice comb and comb out all the parasites. Thank you so much Ammayi – it was such a relief from the torment. I aced my 10th Std exams . Talking about her voice – it was so sweet – I used to tease her and call her Kili naadam (one with a song bird’s voice)
Those days were great – Mattimman was always a hoot and it was so funny to see him interact with Ammayi and tease her. Every day after lunch – he would want something sweet and would mercilessly tease Ammayi – Fridgeil vechathu maam !! he would exclaim ( the item in the fridge is mine !!!) and she would grin. It was so much fun. I loved those days.
As the years passed – we all grew older. Further encounters were often just a day or so during vacations. She was as charming, gracious and pretty as always. The affection that she had was apparent during those brief encounters.
Savithri ammayi - shy, charming and pretty; soft spoken to a fault and sweet natured; affectionate and loving and - alas diabetic. My dear Savithri Ammayi – Today you are no more – so early, so unfair – I don’t have the words for it. Little did I know, last time when I visited you, that it would literally be the last time. We all love you and will miss you so much. Rest in peace dear Savithri Ammayi. Mattimman, Aravinda and Gowri…we are all here for you.
Memories- all those scenes and words which were deep inside now keeps coming to the fore every moment- memories that for now, I want to be submerged in…I want the waves of these memories to wash over me, and I want to drown in them…it somehow keeps her alive for me- I’m not yet ready to let go of her…memories from about 26 years ago…
ReplyDeleteWe were friends…she being just 4 years older. I would call her ammayi of course. I would share with her my college woes and the happy incidents. I would wait to come home to Kottakkal to share every tid bit- mischief. I remember I used to tell her everything- I don’t think there was anything left unsaid those days. I would pull her cheeks, hug her. She would chide me if I was not in the right, she had no compunction telling to my face if I behaved wrong and at that age, I must’ve been quite a spit fire. Small things would ruffle me up and I’d be seething. She’d then try to bore some sense into my thick head. She loved teasing me about how I’d coolly go to sleep when I was supposed to be studying, how I'd be preening in front of the mirror. Its become the family legend. She’d remind me that I’d let go of so many of my habits like taking hours in the bath, wearing glass bangles, leaving my hair falling in tendrils on my cheeks, tailing my eyes with Kohl- and needless to say she was proved right.
I’d talk incessantly about Maatimman and ammayi to my friends that they felt they knew them just hearing from me. Of course I had shown them pictures too. In fact there have been at least a couple of instances when one of my friends , upon seeing ammayi at some wedding have gone upto her and clarified with her if she were my ammayi!!
Ammayi and me would stand by the window watching the people walking up the street and she’d keep me entertained with lively tidbits. They’d wait for me during weekends to go for movies. We used to enjoy the same type of movies- the ones in which Mammooty played the ideal, loving and caring husband. We adored Kalamandalam Gopi from Nalacharitham- 4th divasam. In fact we used to call Gopi asan the Mammooty of Kathakali. We also appreciated Karna Shapatham especially when it was Gopi Asan and Kottakkal Sivaraman. Yes, we reveled in the mushy stuff.
I remember the time we went to Kanyakumari- the 3 of us- when they had come to see me off at the Trivandrum airport to visit my parents in Dubai. I can never forget how much she supported me during some of my difficult times.
When she was in the hospital, I used to imagine the time she would come home after recovering and how we would tell her how much of a scare she had given us. I was planning on asking her why did she have to go to such lengths to prove how much we cared for her. I had thought we would chide her for giving us such a fright, I had imagined how tickled she would’ve felt knowing that the whole of Kottakkal had prayed for her recovery.
Now, when she is gone, I wonder if she wasn’t a trifle distracted, detached when I last saw her during the Ulsavam. I had attributed it to her illness and exhaustion.
Today when she is not there, I long to go back , I wish I had expressed my affection more, I wished I had hugged her, talked to her a little more…when I saw her last. Surely she knew how much she meant to me. I hope so.
I miss her awfully. I want to tell her, I loved her and shall always love her and remember her fondly. I want to call out to her loudly, I want to tease her…I want to hear her voice. I want to see some of her cute, endearing expressions which I loved to watch…
Now, I wish to remember every incident with her, I don’t want to lose the tiniest memory of her.
എന്റെ ഏട്ത്ത്യമ്മ
ReplyDeleteഞാനേട്ത്ത്യമ്മെ ആദ്യം കണ്ടത് ഏട്ത്ത്യമ്മ ഒന്നിലോ രണ്ടിലോ മറ്റോ പഠിക്കുമ്പഴാണ്.അതൊരു കോട്ടക്കൽ ഉത്സവക്കാലമായിരുന്നു.ഏട്ത്തിമാർ രണ്ടുപേരും കുടെ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു.വലിയേട്ത്തി ദേവി അന്നു കോട്ടക്കലിലാണ് പഠിച്ചിരുന്നതെന്നു തോന്നുന്നു.മുട്ടിനു കീഴ്പോട്ടിറങ്ങുന്ന, ചെറിയ കറുത്ത പൂക്കളുള്ള വലിയൊരു കുപ്പായമിട്ടു,വലതു കൈയിലെ മുറിഞ്ഞ ചൂണ്ടുവിരലുമായി ഏട്ത്തിമാരുടെയടുത്ത് ചിണുങ്ങുന്ന നാണംകുണുങ്ങിയെ ഓർമ്മയുണ്ട്.അന്നു വാരീത്തെ തെക്കിണിത്തറയിലിരുന്ന് ചോറു വായിൽ കൊടുത്തതും ഞാനായിരുന്നു.
പിന്നെ എന്റെ ഏട്ത്ത്യമ്മയായിട്ടാണ് ഞാൻ കാണുന്നത്. അതിനിടയിൽ ദേവിയെ കണ്ടെങ്കിലും,ഇങ്ങിനെയൊരു കുഞ്ഞനിയത്തിയെപ്പറ്റി അന്വേഷിക്കനൊന്നും എനിക്കോർമ്മയുണ്ടായിരുന്നില്ല.കല്ല്യാണത്തിന്റെ reception-ന്,ആൾക്കരുടെ മുമ്പിൽ വരാനുള്ള മടിയും, നാണവും കാരണം,എന്നെ ഒപ്പം പിടിച്ചു നിർത്തീരുന്നതും ഓർക്കുന്നു.ഞാനങ്ങനെ ഒരു body guard പൊലെ പിന്നിൽ നിന്നിരുന്നു.ആരെങ്കിലും വന്നു കാണാൻ അച്ഛനൊ മറ്റൊ വിളിക്കുമ്പോൾ,കൂടെ പോവാൻ എന്റെ കയ്യും പിടിച്ചു വലിച്ചിരുന്നതൊക്കെ ഞാനിപ്പൊൾ ഓർമ്മിക്കയാണ്. അന്നു ഏകദേശം,party-ഒക്കെ കഴിയാറായ സമയത്ത്,മാൾട്ടി വാരസ്സിയാർ വന്ന് കുറേ നേരം നോക്കി നിന്ന്,"തങ്കവാരസ്സ്യാരുടെ മക്കളെപോലെയല്ല,മരുമക്കൾ കാണാൻ തരക്കൊടൊന്നൂല്ലേയ്"എന്നൊരു പ്രസ്താവം നടത്തീതും,ഓർക്കുന്നു.അതുകഴിഞ്ഞു ഏട്ടൻ പറഞ്ഞ്,ഞാൻ അവരെ നാലുപേരേം വച്ച് ഒരു photo-വും എടുത്തീർന്നു.
കാലം പിന്നേയും കഴിഞ്ഞു,ഉത്സവകാലങ്ങൾ വന്നു.ഞങ്ങൾ മക്കളൊക്കെയായി,വന്നു താമസിക്കും.അച്ഛൻ മരിച്ചു.അവർ വീടു മാറി.അപ്പഴും ഉത്സവകാലത്തൊക്കെ ഞങ്ങൾ വന്നു താമസിക്കുമായിരുന്നു.കഥകളിപ്പറമ്പിൽ ഞങ്ങൾ കുട്ടികളുമായി രാത്രി മുഴുവൻ ഒറക്കൊഴിച്ചിരുന്നു കഥകളി കണ്ടീർന്നത് അവിടെ ഒരു സംസാരമായിരുന്നു.
പിന്നെയവർ തിരുവനന്തപുരത്തു പോയി.അപ്പഴും ഞങ്ങൾ വെറുതെ വിട്ടില്ല.തഞ്ചം കിട്ടുമ്പോഴൊക്കെ ഞങ്ങളുമെത്തി,തിരുവനന്തപുരത്ത്.അപ്പഴക്കും നാണംകുണുങ്ങിത്തമൊക്കെ പോയി.അവസാനത്തെ തവണ ഞങ്ങളെ പുറത്തു കൊണ്ടു പൊയതും,shopping-നു കൊണ്ടുപൊയതുമൊക്കെ ഏട്ത്ത്യമ്മ തന്നെയായിരുന്നു.
ഏഴു കൊല്ലത്തിനുശേഷം തിരിച്ചു വീണ്ടും കോട്ടക്കലിൽ.പതിവുപോലെ ഉത്സവകാലങ്ങൾ.വിശേഷങ്ങൾ.ഇത്തവണത്തെ ഉത്സവം വല്ലാത്തൊരു ക്ഷീണകാലമായിരുന്നു.വേഗം ദേഷ്യം വരുന്നപോലെ.അസുഖതിന്റേം ക്ഷീണത്തിന്റേം ആയിരിക്കുമെന്നു കരുതി.ഉത്സവക്കാലത്ത്,ഉപ്പുമാവുണ്ടാക്കുന്നതിനെ പറ്റി,എന്നോടും ശുണ്ഠിയെടുത്തു.എന്നല്ല,എന്നെ കൈയിലൊന്നു തട്ടുക തന്നെ ചെയ്തു.ഒരു നിമിഷം ഞാനൊന്നമ്പരന്നൂച്ചാലും,പിന്നെ ഞാനതിനെച്ചൊല്ലി കുറെ കളിയാക്കി.അപ്പൊ "എനിക്കിതിങ്ങനെ പറയുന്നത് ഒട്ടും ഇഷ്ടാവണില്ലാട്ടോ" എന്നു നസ്യവും പറഞ്ഞു.വിഷൂന്റന്നു കണി കണ്ട് മടങ്ങുമ്പഴും,'തല്ലീത് ഞാൻ മറന്നില്ലാട്ടോ' എന്നു പറഞ്ഞാണ് ഞാൻ യാത്ര പറഞ്ഞത്.പിന്നെ ആസ്പത്രിലാണെന്നു കേട്ടപ്പോൾ,കാണാതെ വയ്യെന്നു തോന്നി,കാണാൻ ചെന്നപ്പഴും, എനിക്കാകെയൊരു മൗഡ്യമാണ് തോന്നിയത്.മിണ്ടാതെ നിന്നപ്പോൾ,"തല്ലീത് ഇനീം മറന്നില്ലേ" എന്നെന്നൊടു ചൊദിക്കേം ചെയ്തു.ഞാനൊന്നു ചിരിച്ചതെയുള്ളൂ.പിന്നെ,പ്രാർത്ഥനകളുടേം വഴിവാടുകളുടേം ഒരു കാലം.അന്നൊക്കെ ഞാൻ,സൂക്കേട് മാറിവന്ന ഏട്ത്ത്യമ്മോട്,"തല്ലീച്ചാലും ഞാനിങ്ങനെയൊക്കെ പ്രാർത്ഥിച്ചൂട്ടോ"എന്നേഷണി പറയുന്നത് പല വട്ടം ഭാവനയിൽ കണ്ടിട്ടുണ്ട്.
എന്നെ ഏട്ത്തീന്ന് വിളിച്ചിരുന്ന,എന്റെ ഈ ഏട്ത്തിയെ എനിക്കൊരുപാടിഷ്ടമായിരുന്നൂന്ന്,ഞാനിപ്പോൾ അറിയുന്നു.
മണിവിളക്ക്
ReplyDeleteമണിവിളക്കെന്നും തെളിഞ്ഞുനിന്നു
പരിസരത്തിൽ പ്രഭ ചൊരിഞ്ഞു
ഒരു വെളുത്ത പൂ ചിരിക്കും മട്ടിൽ
മണിവിളക്കെന്നും തെളിഞ്ഞു നിന്നു
ഇരുട്ടിനെന്നും പേടിയാണീ
മണിവിളക്കു തെളിഞ്ഞു നിൽക്കേ
ഒരുദിനത്തിൽ, കരിദിനത്തിൽ
മണിവിളക്കോ മുനിഞ്ഞുനിന്നു
ഇരുളിൻ പേടിയകന്നുപോയി
ചുറ്റുംവന്നതു പൊതിഞ്ഞുനിന്നു
പരിസരമെല്ലാം ഇരുണ്ടുകൂടി
മണിവിളക്കോ മുനിഞ്ഞുനിന്നു
ചോദ്യങ്ങളേറേ പൊന്തിവന്നു
"എണ്ണ തീർന്നോ,നോക്കിയില്ലേ?
ക്ലാവു പിടിച്ചോ,നോക്കിയില്ലേ?
തിരിനീട്ടിയില്ലേ,മഷിതട്ടിയില്ലേ?"
ക്ലാവു പിടിച്ചത് തേച്ചുനോക്കി
എണ്ണപുതുതായോഴിച്ചുനോക്കി
തിരിനീട്ടിനോക്കി,മഷിതട്ടിനോക്കി
മണിവിളക്കന്നും മുനിഞ്ഞുനിന്നു
ഉള്ളിലെങ്ങോ തീയെരിഞ്ഞു
ഭയാശങ്കകൾ കുമിഞ്ഞുവന്നു
ഒരുദിനത്തിൽ,കരിദിനത്തിൽ
മണിവിളക്കൊ,അണഞ്ഞുപോയി!
മനസ്സിലെന്നും തെളിഞ്ഞുനിൽക്കും
മണിവിളക്കിൻ സുവർണ്ണപ്രഭ.
ഒരുവെളുത്ത പൂ ചിരിച്ചപോലെ
ഒരുമഴവിൽതെളിഞ്ഞപോലെ
"When she was in the hospital, I used to imagine the time she would come home after recovering and how we would tell her how much of a scare she had given us."
ReplyDeletePreethi says -
ReplyDeleteI was thinking... ammayiyodu ithuvare ammayiye valiya ishatanu ennonnum nerittu paranjittilla...
I can only remember Mattimman with Ammayi only. or Ammayi with Mattimman only.
I can tell “MattimmanAmmayi” only. There is no coma in between...
I am sure this is the same feeling for each of us..
I remember she used to share with me and Ammudthi many things. We loved staying with them for vaccations. Matimman, Ammayi and both of us used to watch many movies taking video cassettes frlm the video shop. She used to make special dishes for us. Fried rice and all... She used to give us 100Rs and we used to be so thrilled. We used to go to the shop and buy vegetables and the rice for that. We also used to help her in the kitchen. I remember we used to watch many comedy movies, then one movie-Madanothsavam and all! we used to go to theater also...
Last time also, all- Ammaman, Ammayi, Achan, Amma, Gauri, Kunchuttan, and all.. All were having tea in the evening in Thrikkovil. I sat with Mattimman and Ammayi... Then I asked her If she still cooks Fried rice? and Mattimman started teasing her and he was telling enthokkeyo... and me and Ammayi were laughing..... But I remember it now...
I Think, “Idichupizhinja payasathinte molil vanila icecream thuviyathu” aanu Ammayi undakkaru.. angane enthokkeyo Mattimman paranju. I remember it now ...cheriya cheriya nimishangal with Matimman and Ammayi ..
Then , long before.... I was staying once in Vrundavanam alone, ie,without Ammudthi-that was an unimaginable task for me on those days, How I live without Ammudthi!-
anyway after 2 days I remeber I started feeling homesick and Ammayi was not there at that time. I remember the picture of me and Ammamma sitting in the front of Vrundavanam.. waiting for Mattimman to come from Vaidyashala. I was crying... That day I think he was planning to go to pick Ammayi back from her warriam. Then Ammamma was saying him to take me also along with him to Ammayi’s warriam in Adhavand.
I was sitting on Mattimman’s lap in a jeep, it was thickly packed inside the Jeep, kulungi kulungi, and he took me there holding my hand. I remember very well when I saw Ammayi on that day, how relieved I was... I have never felt that actually she is from another warriam. ( I think even now!)
Preethi - contd -
ReplyDeleteI remember that day I wanted to sleep with them. But I don’t remeber now where did I sleep or did I tell my wish to them... I dont’ remember..
I used to feel Ammayi similar to Menaka-the actress on those days. and one day she was saying this to Matimman infront of me and i was feeling shy for that. Mattimman was laughing... I remember verywell both of them sitting together- and me standing beside..
angane kuttikutti kure nimishangal undayittundu avarodoppam.. Ammayiyum athokke marannu poyittundavum... Mattimman also.
and another memory is that once I danced for my school anniversary wearing Ammayi’s sari in a particular way... I remember that was a red sari with black boarder. I liked that sari so much and didn’t want to return it to her! I think that is the same sari she is wearing in those photos taken frm Kanyakumari with N’edthy, that she has put in her facebook page....
Also never forget how we used to feel happy and energitic on Friday (or Saturday? I don’t remember) when Matimman , Ammayi and kids used to come to KVM, as Matimman used to practise in Vallyachan’s Agency on every last Sundays... rest of the Sundays Ramendramman used to come and to be frank we never used to be happy for those Sundays of Ramendramman!
Mattimman and Ammayi used to bring sweets from K.R.bakery, KTKL.esp. Mattimman was fond of a special sweet called -Sambopodi- (i don’t know to spelll it.) He used to call it, Sambar podi for thAT! I remember we used to have lots of fun then... We used to carry Gauri and make her play..
Also will never forget those days when we were so small, Matimman used to send us-me and Ammudthi- to Ammayi asking to touch her nose and come back- we used to enjoy Mattimman teasing her-
sometimes he used to send us to check if Ammayi’s tip of nose has become red or not!
Ammayi used to tell - “ii Matimmane kondu thottu! “ ... or she used to feel shy when we go and ask her to allow us to touch her nose! or when we used to go and check her nose-tip!
Ammu (Lakshmi) says -
ReplyDeleteAMMU
“Preethi, most of our memories about ammayi, may be common, because those days we were always together. Do you remember ammayi used to give us her 2 earrings(one with green stones and another with red) to wear, we used to keep timetable for that, (innu njan red idam, nale preethi ittolu)”
Like she said, most of our memories about Ammayi are common... we used to go to KTKL together, we used to have fun with them also together... We both had gone to Ammayi’s warriam together and had played with Indu.
Whnever Matimman and Ammayi visit Kaivallyam, we both used to be there. Ammayi and Mattimman also used to treat us together, I feel now she used to feel happy whenever we were ready to help her... also she used to enjoy our stay with them.
I also remember the time when Shailaja came from Bombay and she joined her school in KTKL. We both were there at that time in KTKL. We all used to play cards -“Donkey” and all... watch movies.. lots of fun.. Ammayi used to worry a bit if Shailaja feels ok, she doesn’t feel homesick and all... also sshe used to be relieved each day, when she sees Shailaja gets ready to school happily...
Ammayiye orthittum orthittum thirunnilla...
Rashmi says -
ReplyDeleteRASHMI
hi all
kure alochichu, ezhuthano vendayo.... pinne thonni ezhutham....
ammayi..... evide thudanganam , ariyilla... thudangiyal avasanikkunnillya....
as preethiyedthi told, we didnt tell ammayi that we love her very much... but i think she knows it...
i loved her kilinadam. vallyachan used to tease her, by imitating her sound. ammayide kaalile chori.... maattimman parayum njangalodu poyi chavittan. while we go she used to run and will say “ee mantante oru kaaryam”!
those sundays, like ammudthi and preethiyedthi, njanum used to wait for maattimman,ammayi,aravindan and gouri. mostly njangal kuttikal (aravindan,gouri and me) njangalude lokathil ayirikkum, pakshe aa varavinaayi kaathirikkarundayirunnu.
ammayi used to tell gouri, meemiyedthide pole mudi shradhikkanam, meemiyedthide pole raavile nerthe eneettu padhikkanam, etc. i dont know whether gouri was getting irritated on these statements. anyways i was happy on hearing these.
when maattimman, ammayi, aravindan and gouri came to Coimbatore, she was really thrilled on seeing aravindan’s new office and was veri excisted. she bought a hand bag for me. that time i was carrying, and she bought a big cover full of apples for me...........but i didnt buy anything for her ..............
we can say only mattimmanammayi, and not maattimman and ammayi. i dont like to think that she is not with us. she lives in everyones mind.
Shailaja's words -
ReplyDeleteShailaja
Most of my memories are linked with both Ammayi and Mattimman. Like many of you, for me too, its always been MattimmanAmmayi.
They enjoy going for movies. Rudran and I tag along with them. There are a numerous amount of excellent, and also nonsense movies we have seen. While we are walking from home to the theatre, Mattimman will ask me to have a look at him and Ammayi walking side by side. And he says kandaal 10 poleyille&making fun of Ammayi. This was like a routine every time we go for a movie&and Ammayi will just smile enjoying it. There was this one movie (I forget the name), a Madhavi movie, where she gives away her children for adoption thinking that she is going to die. I wanted to go for that movie desperately. But Mattimman refused. I dont remember whether she wanted to see the movie too, or she just gave in to all my pleading&but finally Ammayi and I went for the movie. No one else joined us. We sat in one corner and cried our heart out throughout the tragic movie. But we also had a good laugh. What made us laugh were the two guys, sitting right behind us, crying worse than us.
I joined them in Trivandrum soon after they shifted there. In fact, it was on Mattimman and Ammayis insistence that I even attended the entrance exam. I used to recount my day to Ammayi as soon as I reached home, the same way I did with my Amma. I remember, the next time Ammayi and Amma met, Ammayi was telling her with wonder ivalu ennodu ella karyavum parayum. I didnt know why she thought it was a big deal.
While I was there&one early morning&Acchan calls telling that Rajeevs proposal has come. We need to give a photo of mine. So I need to get my photo taken ASAP. That day was a fiasco. Ammayi was worried to death. She didnt how to tie a sari for another person. Somehow we finalized one of Ammayis sari. Next hurdle was blouse. I was not this plump then. I asked one of my closest friends to bunk class with me&then we went to her friend&who was studying in another institute far from us&got her blouse and returned. By the time I reached home, Ammayi was all flustered. Ammayi wasnt confident with tying the sari. So she called one Nirmalacheriyamma, who was working there in the branch. She came up hurriedly. Then that was done. Ammayi was really very wary of my dressing and accessorizing sense. She was going on and on nalla photo aavanam. Avarkku ayachu kodukkanullathaanu. Valiya maalayum, kammalum, pottum thodanam. Nannayi chirikkanam. When Rajeev told me that he prefers rice and hates eating out, I was worried sick. I was all the time behind Ammayi asking what am I going to do now. And she would always laugh and say, njan appozhe paranjille chorunnana aale kittumnnu.
The constant teasing of Ammayi by Mattimman was so cute to watch. He would ask me after every lunch to not let Ammayi nap in the afternoon. Ammayide thadi koodum. He would come in between his work to take his medicine. Ammayi will be ready with his medicine. And he will make faces and say that if he doesnt come on time, Ammayi will say Stand up on the bench.
And recently, while we were there this January/ February, during the passport fiasco, Ammayi was the most worried. I she heard me laughing
she would come and ask passport kittiyo. I remember thinking that when we got the passport I’d to tell her soon, since she was so worried. But right at that time she wasn’t there. I don’t remember where she was. But she was the last to know at home.
There are many more such memories that just comes and goes in a flash. I’m glad I could share some with you all...
Oh! Thank you All for making that expression "MattimmanAmmayi", which lies so close to the heart and inspires constandly to live further.
ReplyDeleteThe love, affection, intimacy that you all shoured upon us is worthless.
Mattiamman, Aravind and Gouri
A year has passed ammayi, without you...
ReplyDeleteinnu ammayide pirannaal aanu...april 9th 2012
ReplyDeleteanother year has gone by, ammayi...still missing you, the pang has not lessened.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you ammayi...
ReplyDeleteEnd Of The World by Skeeter Davis
Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
....
DeleteInnale ammaayide pirannaal...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteToday May 24th... Liked Arathi? Liked Kingini? Would like to imagine that you've access to this page, that we could reach out through this space...
ReplyDeletekure kure parayaanundaayirunnu, kelkaan undaayirunnu...
ReplyDeletethe tumult in my mind ...the uncertainity of not knowing whether I'll be able to go for aravind's kalyanam or not- did I even imagine that I would be in such a situation?
ReplyDeleteFor that matter did we even imagine that you wouldnt be there?
But then I want to believe that you are there, very much there.
I want to believe that you see us, you hear us....
I am praying desperately that somehow the affiliation team decide to come only after the 31st of August and we get the info at the earliest, this uncertainity is such a torture.
I can't bear to think that I may not be able to go for Aravind's wedding...
Please, Please, Please...make it possible for me to be there....
slivers of memory
ReplyDeletesnatches of conversations
flashes unbidden
bringing tears to the eyes
a smile to the lips
and a sigh escapes...
The walls have been whitewashed
ReplyDeletethat little stand with the kohl box
and a stray hair pin
the lingering traces of Your presence
is now gone
One keeps looking,
searching for remnants of Your voice ,
of Your touch...
The calendar is now marked Forever;
as before You left
and after wards...
You said this, You did that
we keep reliving,
we keep retelling,
in a frenzy to keep You with us
how can we let You go yet...
Come child, let me tell You;
You know her not,
But She was, She is,
a part of us, and now a part of you too...
Know her, through our words,
cherish her through our sacred memories...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAmidst all the din and the merriment
ReplyDeletenot a moment when we did not think, remember...
but we did not let the tears fall,
when we smiled, when we laughed,
all the while we felt your presence...
yet we did not let the tears fall,
sometimes we heard you giggle
there were moments
we fancied we saw you
here and then there...
there were moments we forgot
that you were elsewhere
and then when it dawned yet again
it was another stab all over again...
and yet we did not let the tears fall
To see his pain,
tore us to shreds
our love, our care
we said not in words
we just held him
with our heart and soul
we did not let the tears fall...
we refuse to think you are not here
You are here amidst us
in our words, our thoughts
always forever...
....
ReplyDeleteA moment captured in film
ReplyDeleteAn expression etched in time
The eyes so alive
The smile so vibrant
Tough to think that you’re beyond
The reach of my voice
The touch of my hand…
April 7th- Pirannaal aashamsakal...
ReplyDeleteoru varsham koodi kadannupoyatharinjilla ennu parayaan kazhiyilla....
ReplyDeleteI saw you again the other day,
ReplyDeleteand then again y'day night.
I saw you close, I touched you,
I spoke to you, I listened to you...
I called out to you again and again...
loud and louder
I enjoyed calling out your name loud and clear
this much I remember...
Those who have gone, when they visit you in your dreams...
the images, the feelings crystal clear
its like they never left
the feeling lingers, the memories remain
leaving one so confused when one wakes to reality
each awakening, a rude reminder of the absence, of the void...
one remembers calling out to them loud, loud, over and over again
so much more to have said, so much left incomplete...
see you again
in my dreams...
Sreerag is a very nice boy. They are very happy. Happy to see them together. I imagine how it would've been if you had been there along with them. Always with us...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteToday again there was that fraction of a moment when somebody’s expression suddenly gave me the illusion that I was actually talking to you. It is such a fleeting moment but in that fraction of a second , I believe you are right here – in front of me, for that fleeting moment, I experience a sense of revelry that you are still here among us. And the next moment yet again that sinking feeling emerges reminding me of the painful truth that you are not here anymore. One wishes to prolong that sense of suspended belief , that delusion but it is not to be. There is a pang in the depths of the heart, an overwhelming sense of loss, a feeling of desolation, hopelessness, and futility. And yet there is a weird feeling of reassurance , a sense of absurd relief that you are still alive in our memories. Because I’m terrified of letting myself forget you. Because if I forget you then that will be the true end and that I can’t bear. When you flash in my memory, then it means that you still are, that you shall remain. And for me to go on, I need to believe that . I need to believe that you are watching, that you understand …
ReplyDelete27th April...Happy Bday...
ReplyDeleteI like thinking about you, remembering your expressions, your chuckles, your laughter. I love talking about you... without my eyes welling up. I like to smile when I think about you, talk about you... I like to think you are watching, listening, smiling too... may be, just may be that I would have liked to see you again, talk to you again, listen to you some more, tell you a few more special things... and yes I love you- you do know that don't you?
ReplyDeleteNimmiedthi....
ReplyDeleteNimmiedthi....
ReplyDeleteUntil you went, I didn’t know how to respond to others who had lost a loved one- I am guilty of not having called a friend- told them that I felt sorry for their loss, that I was concerned about them, I was worried about how they were coping. I thought they would understand…
ReplyDeleteUntil you went- and then I realized I longed for others to reach out- even those who did not know you, who did not know how much you had meant to me- how deep the loss was-, still I was grateful for the mildest enquiry- I longed to hear them ask me about you, I craved to talk about you- about the moments we had shared, about how much I missed you. I wanted to keep talking, I wanted them to let me keep talking, because that kept you alive…
You taught me – that it was important to reach out to someone who had lost a loved one, it was important to just say that you were there, to ask, to listen, to let them cry…you taught me something so important even as you left..
It is ironical that I tell you so many things now when you are not here, which I would never have if you were still here. Why, I myself wouldn’t have known that there was so much left unsaid…But I guess you knew and I wish you still get to know.
And that is why I keep coming back here, looking for you. This space that we call ‘virtual’ feels like that space beyond ,where you amble by…
To someone who left...
ReplyDeleteHi, are you there? Are you listening?
I want to tell you something
I am angry, very angry
But sometimes I miss you, lots…
But let me also tell you that
sometimes I don’t…
You know,
Sometimes I want to talk to you
Sometimes I just want to listen to you
And sometimes I don’t know what I actually wish-
Sometimes I think I should wipe out every memory,
every thought of you…
And sometimes I want
to cling to even the tiniest moment
And don’t want to let go ever…
Sometimes I ask why, how..
Sometimes I just don’t care…
Sometimes I think
I’m getting used to your absence
And sometimes I feel its unbearable
Sometimes I think I’ll get over you…
And everything will be fine,I’ll keep moving on
And sometimes I’m stuck, I am lost
Sucked into a bottomless vortex
Struggling to stay afloat
Sometimes suddenly I get the feeling you are right here
Right in front of me or by my side
And when I reach out
Colliding into the emptiness and the silence
A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach
A wrench in my heart, a sob in my throat
Reminding me that you are not here nor anywhere
Sometimes I think I heard you giggle
I fancy I saw you here or there
And I forget you are elsewhere or nowhere
And then when it dawns yet again
It is another stab for the millionth time
Knowing that the past will never come back…
It is so hard to believe that
That which was is no longer is …
Sometimes I can accept, and sometimes it hurts
in some place that cannot be seen, heard or touched
Sometimes I want to call out your name Loud, loudly…
Sometimes I want to hear you call out my name Loud, louder
And I want to answer
And then I realize with a shudder
I’m forgetting how your voice sounded
I keep looking for remnants of your voice, of your touch
And I drown in an abyss of despair and desolation
Of helplessness, of hopelessness
And yet, there is an absurd sense of relief
A weird reassurance
That you still exist- in my memories
Because I’m terrified of letting myself forget you
Because if I forget you then that will be the true end
And that I can’t bear
When you flash in my memory
It means you still are, and that you remain
I want to talk about you without my eyes welling up
I want to smile when I think about you
And for me to go on
I need to know that you are watching, listening,smiling too
I want to let the waves of your memories wash over me
I want to drown in them
I keep reliving those moments,
keep retelling those stories
In a frenzy to keep you here
Of how you chided me
How you teased me
How you annoyed me,
How your eyes crinkled when you smiled,
How you waggled your finger in mock anger
How you laughed, how you rolled your eyes
You said this, you did that…
The calendar is now marked forever
As before you left, and after
You just picked up and left
No goodbyes, no farewells
The onus on us left behind
To trudge through the quicksand of life
I always knew you’d leave
But when you did
I realized I was hoping you’d stay…
Hey ! Are you there? Are you listening?
I want to tell you something
I am angry, very angry- but
Did I tell you how much I have loved you
Did you know how much you meant to me?
Wait, I cannot let you go yet
I refuse to think you are not here
You are still here amidst us
In our words, in our thoughts
Now and forever…
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete.....
ReplyDeleteAmmayiiiii! I am now older than you- forever...
ReplyDeleteHi Achamme!! <3 <3
ReplyDeleteTo have you look at me like that again
ReplyDeleteTo have you talk to me in that tone again
To hear your laughter ring again
To see you chuckle- to see you giggle
To see your all too familiar gestures again
Hi Ammayi- yes the world is going on.. but when the sun shines we see your shadow, when the twilight sets, we hear your voice- when the breeze gently blows, we sense your touch, when it drizzles we hear your laughter, and when we watch Bhagat's & Gautam's antics- we know you are here...lots of love always...
ReplyDelete